Women and Men

During my teenage days in school we were taught about men and women. In what aspects they are alike and what makes them different. In those days, I thought that the only difference between a male and a female were their physical appearance. Soon I joined high school and there I learned that there are some biological differences too, like the chemical components in the body, the size of the heart, the size of lungs. Even the bones and its structures differ and some other features too. Then I joined university, in the beginning of the academic classes we were taught how the stereotypes created  more differences . And it plays a huge role in the society by distinguishing the works, privileges and options for a male and a female in different cultures in and around the world. I came to know how women are suppressed and are discriminated. The stereotypes exemplify perfectly the characters of male and the female in the society—just as the society wants it to be. Then again I came to know there are more difference in male and females. Apart from all these, as mentioned above, there still exist some other forms of differentiation too. Those are in terms of how they speak, respond and take its meaning.

According to the article “Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers” by Deborah Tannen, She mentions the meta-messages that are misinterpreted ultimately leading to misunderstanding, which I found are interesting to know. She states that men and women differ in how they expect from one another. Many women, after a long-term relationship with someone, feel that the parson with whom she had the relation should by now understand her situation and know what she actually wants without being told to them. Where as a men feel that after a long-term relation the other person should be able to feel free and be open enough to share and tell what they want without being bothered to be asked time and again.

These are completely opposite statements, which in itself doesn’t agree with each other, then how can it be accepted and applied in the practical life? It is true that a person who has been with a partner for so long should be able to judge and know the likes and dislikes of the other person. If one cannot do that than what kind of relation is that? It’s like they are still strangers to each other. However, it is also true that after a long-term relation they should be open to one another and express whatever is in the mind. We are humans and not god that we can understand what others think and want. If you want to convey some messages, the best way is go speak it and convey it verbally. I wonder what other unknown and hidden difference exists or not. If yes, what are those? … What do you think?

His and Hers and Our!!!

The article “Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers,” discussed obstacles and misunderstandings that cause conflicts and arguments between couples. According to the article, women are liable to “read between the lines” that means that they believe and behave in romantic ways. “Why don’t you ask me how my day was?” Harriet said to Morton, her husband (212). Without saying anything, women want to be understood. They want others to concern about them, to discern their differences, and to ask them about the reasons for the differences.  On the other hand, men are liable to be reserve; indeed, they only say what deserves to be said. They think that love is expressed through actions, not speech. Therefore, they rarely talk about themselves or motivate their couples to share their stories. For instance, Morton retorted Harriet, “If you have something to tell me, tell me. Why do you have to be invited?” (Ibid.) Different perspectives, different thoughts, and different feelings, but why men and women are still attracted by each other? I wonder why they know that lives after weddings are hells, but they still feel happy to go the hells. They know that marriages are holes of quarrels and difficulties; however, why do they accept to marry? Why? Perhaps, human nature is the best answer for the questions. In fact, all of us are so curious that we always endeavor to discover enigmas. The more mysterious a thing is, the more interest we have in order to find out it. Therefore, if all men are like us: attitudes, thoughts, and feelings, are we still interested in them? And are we still encouraged to discern dark corners that are concealed inside their hearts? If men are also talkative like us, who will the listeners be in quarrels and arguments? Everything is balance, isn’t it? We are born with the mission to perfect ourselves and one another, so we have to live with others to correct their mistakes and vice versa. Let’s appreciate others’ best qualities and accept their mistakes because we even have more bad attributes than them. If we can live in harmony with each other, we can savor small happiness in simple lives.

Messages and Metamessages

When I read the essay named “Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers” by Deborah Tannen, I discovered a reason for breaking of relationships, especially relationship between spouses. Relationship between husband and wife is one of the most beautiful bonding in the world. It’s a relationship where two different persons get along with each other for lifetime. Sometimes, it does not last for long. It happens for several misunderstandings. The conflict of messages and metamessages can be a reason for this. Wives expect their husbands to understand their feeling without expressing it. On the other hand, husbands want their wives to share with them everything. Both of them are right in their own place. It is fair enough when a wife wants her husband to ask how her day was or give her a compliment for something. It happens mostly with housewives who spend the whole day in home and at evening their tired husbands return. Again, we can’t blame the husbands as well. They spend a busy time and sometimes tensions regarding work pile around them. That’s why they may not pay attention to their wives. Moreover, males are straightforward, so they may like their wives to be straightforward too. Husbands simply don’t understand their wives’ metamessages as they think practically, but being emotional is also fair enough. After all, people have to be emotional in case of expressing their love. Being practical has nothing to do with that.

Well, I can guess a solution to this problem. I think it is better if women quit conveying metamessages to their husbands and don’t expect them to understand their untold feelings. They should learn to be practical like them. Then if someday their husbands ask them how their day was, or be able to catch their metamessages, it will be like a surprise to the wives and they will be delighted. So, quit expecting and be overwhelmed with the unexpected happiness.

Eventually, I had better give this suggestion to my mother because the same thing happens between my parents, who are happily married for 31 years. My father never gives her any gift on special occasions like wedding anniversary, Valentine’s Day and birthday. Mother becomes bitterly disappointed when he does so and complains to us in front him. Then my father says that everything he has belong to her too; al; she has to do is to demand. He adds that how he can know what she wants or not. This kind of confusions of messages and metamessages between my parents sometime irritates me and sometime makes me laugh. Couples have to be more understanding to each other for avoiding this problem.

Love???

After reading “Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers”, I started to think whether love is a learned phenomenon or it evolves by itself and the answer what I get is that love can never be taught; it’s a natural feeling that evolved by itself.

Children never learn to love their parents as well parents also never learn to love their children. As soon as a child born, parents start to love their children. None come and teach them that they should love their child and take care of their child. Similarly as a child grows and recognizes own parents, he or she starts to love them; none come and teach him or her to love his or her parents. Similarly, in case of romantic love, love arises by itself. A person never plans or learns that he or she will love a definite person. When a person fall in love, he or she even do not realize that he or she is in love with someone else until he or she feels a sense of losing a loved one. It’s same in case of brothers and sisters. Brothers and sisters never learn to love each other, but they love one another despite of daily quarrel and fights. They know how to protect each other from scolds of parents. They too know how to protect each other from their enemies. Especially in case of elder brother and younger sister, it is often seen that elder brother mostly protects younger sister from adverse effects of boys with immoral activities like mistreating and teaching girls. Similarly, it is often observed that a sister mostly follow her brother. The lesson that a brother should always protect a sister from evil eyes of such kind of boys with immoral activities and a sister should obey a brother is not taught to them. They learn these things by themselves in a form of love. So, love is not taught rather it grows by itself whenever it is required or whenever time comes.

Love Cannot be Taught

After reading the article “Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers”, a question arose in my mind if people really have to learn to love or to be attached to someone. Then my heart replied “No.” I feel like love is not something learned, rather felt. Marriage education and sex education is essential because they help individuals to know about their physical, mental and emotional changes with respect to time. The article specially talks about the love between opposite sexes and the attempts approached to help the youngsters to build a healthy relationship.

The excitement and emotions in the adolescent stage is inevitable. Being attracted and falling in love with some one of opposite sex is not a strange thing. But I think we don’t need to learn to fall in love with them or to be attracted towards them. We never know how we get attracted to the people and start to love their voice, their eyes, and their smile, whatever they do and however they are. The ways of expressing love, the ways of approaching people whom we love can be taught but how is it possible to teach how to love and how to handle the relationship? No matter how much people take classes of handling relationships and making their partners happy, these all do not remain long lasting. The nature of people and their behaviors can’t be hidden by some formulas or techniques applied for short period of time in order to please the partner. People remain as they are and longevity of relationships depends on the nature of people.

New born babies are never taught to love their mother, but they still get attached to their mother within very few days after their birth. Moreover, when we see poor and incapable physically or mentally disabled people, we feel sympathy and love for them. This feeling is never taught by any one. The circumstances and our heart compel us to know what should we feel and what should we do, so is the case of love for opposite sex. The feelings can neither be taken under control nor be taught by others. I guess destiny and our hearts themselves choose and learn whom to love and how to love. Moreover, in my view, it is not the lesson that is taught in the classrooms, which helps to handle the relationship. Rather, the pain, the tears, the love that we get and the love that we shower on someone special, teach us how to be strong and live happily.

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